When you were a little girl, you loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It wasn’t that you loved the ancient art of Ninjitsu, the sacred art of the silent assassin. It was neat, and all, just not the reason you loved TMNT. Also, you weren’t super into turtles, or any other amphibians, either. You would have actually liked it more if they were Teenage Mutant Ninja Kittens, though you suspect that the fact that they were Teenage would negate the possibility of them still being kittens, as opposed to juvenile adult cats, which admittedly would not have been nearly as cute. Also, mutations hold no interest for you, and the word “Teenage” reminds you of high school, which was just a four year horror show for you. No, the real reason you loved the Turtles so much was that they shared your affection for the world’s most perfect food: Pizza. You love Pizza. You don’t care what kind of Pizza, what toppings are on it, what kind of exotic sauces and cheeses are contained therein; you love Pizza unconditionally. You would marry Pizza if the laws of the land allowed it. Standard pepperoni and sausage, hawaiian, vegetarian with garlic sauce, BBQ chicken with red onions and goat cheese, you don’t care. You will eat breakfast Pizza or dessert Pizza. You’ve even tried Gluten-free Pizza, just to see what all the fuss is about (turns out Gluten-free is apparently Latin for “Tastes like Wood”). And while all the Ninja Turtles had an affection for pizza, only one of them worshipped pizza with the appropriate fanatical zeal: Michelangelo. Because of this, you feel a real Kinship with the “Party Dude” in the group, and so this Halloween, you will pay tribute to your favorite Turtle. Besides, we don’t know if you’ve heard, but apparently Orange is the New Black. Mikey’s actually very fashion-forward.
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